When Gaara Got Married
by G A B S Lubs H I M
Summary: [CU] If Gaara ever got married, he hoped it would be to a quiet, mousey female, who disliked sleeping and loved raccoons. What he got, was Sakura. [A comedy twist to the whole “Arranged Marriage” thingy.] Rating May Change. GaaSaku


**When Gaara Got Married**

-:-

_G A B S_

**Dis:** Uh… That's no mine…

**Summary:** If Gaara ever got married, he hoped it would be to a quiet, mousey female, who disliked sleeping and loved raccoons. What he got, was Sakura. [A comedy twist to the whole "Arranged Marriage" thingy.

Duuuuuuude. I am SO ready to post something! So I wrote up a lil' tease for your reading enjoyment. I'll post the next chapter later on next month. I think...

So-

ENJOY.

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* * *

_When Gaara was young, his sister would sit with his brother and talk. He never really felt welcomed in their chats, so he'd hide behind the sofa, and listen in quietly._

_What he discovered, was that girls were ickiliy obsessed with the idea of getting… what was that word? Oh yes!- MARRIED, and pooping out kids… or was it popping? Well, as far as he was concerned, if something came out your butt region, it was probably called "pooping"._

_But anywho-_

_He also learned that boys- he thanked Kami that he'd listened in closely when his brother had explained the workings of a man's mind- didn't like marriage. Marriage was for losers who couldn't become Shinobi and had to work in the fields or shops._

_Gaara was still unsure about what exactly the term "Loser" meant, but hey! If Kankuro hated it, then he decided it was safer for him to hate it too._

_After Kankuro's little speeches on the male thought process, Temari would usually smack him. Or, if she were having something his brother called PMS (Gaara often wondered what those three little letters stood for), she'd deck him and bite his nose._

_Kankuro had a sensitive nose._

_And once said sensitive nose began to bleed, the conversation would be over, and Gaara would quietly sneak back into his room, while Temari hid for fear of their father grounding her (again, Gaara wondered how their father could "ground" her if said female was afraid of heights and never left the ground in the first place… which he never quite understood since she claimed to absolutely LOVE flying around on her fan thing-a-ma-bob) and Kankuro was whining into a tissue about how he was going to die from blood loss, and he's sit on his bed and think about what he'd learned that day._

_Usually, he'd come to the same conclusion._

_Girls are weird._

_And that'd be all, and he'd stare at the ceiling until it was time to get up and start the next day._

_However, one day, when Gaara was eleven and Kankuro had gotten drunk, the latter loudly explained what exactly marriage meant._

_And oh! How horrified he'd been!_

_Men ACTUALLY consented WILLINGLY to spend every waking moment with a PMSing (he'd discovered that the ellipsis usually meant that some chick was screeching n your ear about something and that this scary week of every month was the goddess Amerterasu's way of punishing men) female who simply ran around spending money you worked hard for._

_Gaara often thought of how such idiotic men were probably poor civilians who had been cast under an age-old genjutsu, and were thus forced to throw themselves at the mercy of their wives._

_Needless to say, Gaara had silently promised to commit suicide (or just make sure said female had an… accident) if ever he was forced to marry._

_You know, since OBVIOUSLY he'd never choose to do so willingly._

_Surprisingly, to his siblings at least, since Gaara had never doubted himself in the first place, he kept the aforementioned statement true. Never once did he even LOOK at a female with anything akin to even LUST._

_And though he loved his sister, he refused to admit so out loud, for fear of his resolve crumbling. _

_After all, if there was one thing Gaara prided himself on, it was keeping his own ass safe._

_He was, in the end, Gaara no Sabaku-_

_Great Prince-Man of Sand-Land._

…

_El note-o El Sarcasm-o._

* * *

"Dammit Gaara! Stop that! I'm going to rip you a new one if you don't stop stealing all my effing cookies!!"

The eyebrow-less boy simply raised an invisible, aforementioned non-existent eyebrow at his sister and continued in his doings.

Doings like stealing all the peanut-butter cookies out from his sister's Santa Claus cookie jar. Honestly, what was that woman thinking, leaving a Christmas decoration out during summer vacation?

'I'll never understand women, Shukaku. Perhaps I should turn my interests over to the less annoying gender of my species.'

At the withering glare he felt in the dark silence of his mind, he added, 'Or not.'

The Racoon sniffed prissily.

'Of course NOT! I refuse to allow your idiotic inability to woo said beauties into your bed to inhibit me from finding a nice sweet mate to lay with!'

It was Gaara's turn to give his demon a dry look. 'You are truly a fine excuse of why men should never fall prey to the poison formerly known as feminine wiles. Stupid Raccoon. Your pathetic obsession with sex is very annoying. Stop it.'

Gaara felt Shukaku hypothetically spit on him.

'Very mature Beastie. I do believe you've graduated from idiotic simpleton to idiotic three-year-old simpleton.'

After a moment of huffy silence, Gaara figured Shukaku was ignoring him and pouting off in some corner.

Well, all the same to him.

"DAMMIT GAARA THAT'S IT!"

Oh dear.

'Baka Raccoon! You made me forget Temari was there! Shit. Great, now I've gotta run.'

Said Raccoon snickered.

"GAARA! I'm going to pummel you, and rip out your lungs and feed them to you up your ass! GET BACK HERE!"

The sandman sighed and, lining up his hands, mumbled a few choice words and promptly poofed out of the vicinity.

His sister's screeches could be heard miles away.

* * *

"Ne Sakura-chan?"

She blinked. Was someone talking to her? What time was it? Oh crap! Was she STILL at the hospital?!

"Sakura-chyaaaaaaaaan!! Wakey-wakey! OI oi! WAKEY W-" Naruto stop shouting when he felt a fist connect with his skull.

Rubbing his abused forehead, he looked up to the menacing pose of his female teammate twitching and glaring down at him.

"Shut. Up. Naruto. Or. I'll. Hit. You. Again."

The blonde winced, and grinned sheepishly. "Eh hehe, sorry Sakura-chan; I was just worried was all."

The pink-haired girl sighed and rubbed her temples. "Oi, forget it Naruto. So, what brings you to the hospital at," she glanced at the clock on her wall, "3:00 in the afternoon?"

He blinked.

She blinked.

And then-

"HOLY MUTHAOFALLCRAP! THREE? How is it THREE???"

The Rokudaime grinned and scratched his head. "Well, Tsunade-baa-chan said you needed to sleep, so… Well. You slept?"

The medic sighed. "Yeah, I slept. But now that I'm up, I NEED to go attend to my patients. Can you give me my list for the day Naru-chan-chan?"

The blonde winced and then opened his mouth.

"Well… No."

Sakura raised a delicate eyebrow. "No?"

"Ehehehe… Well Sakura-chan… the old hag said I had to give you today off. She said your last vacation was about when you were twelve and Bastard-san hadn't run away with the Pedophile yet."

Sakura shook her head despairingly.

"Ugh. FINE! I give up! No work today okay? There you WIN!"

He grinned, saluted, nabbed her into a hug, and ran out the door, screaming he had lunch with Hinata in about three minutes.

The fig-eyed girl sighed and, gathering her things, slowly trudged on out of her office, swearing on Kakashi-sensei's perverted books that she'd get her revenge.

'I hate Mondays.'

* * *

Click.

"_**Oh Henry! Darling! Take me and make me yours! I want to be yours alon-**_"

Click.

"_**I really want to be with you Greg. I want to love you. But our lives are so diff-**_"

Click.

"_**No chance! No way! I won't say it, NO NO! I won't say I'm in loooooove-**_"

Click.

"_**So, who's the man behind the bat? The Cat would loooooove to see-**_"

Click.

"_**I LOVE YOU! YOU LOVE ME! WE'RE A HAPPY**_-"

CLICK! "OH GAWD IN HEAVEN!"

Click.

Sakura shut off her TV and sighed. Didn't people know that too many romantic movies (or Baney) could scare one's mind?!

She huffed. She was entirely sick of romance (and Barney).

'_Wait for me? Don't bother. I won't be coming back._'

She winced.

Not now! Why did she have to remember now?

'_Why? Because you weak bitch- there's nothing to come back to. Konoha is a weak, broken village. Naruto is an idiot. Kakashi is too far gone in memories to remember how to fight like a Ninja. There's nothing here.'_

She pushed the thoughts back, but they kept surging forward.

'_You? I left you out for a reason. You were nothing to me in the first place. I've nothing more to say to a speck of wasted life like you. Get out of my sight._'

NO NO NO! STOP THINKING!

'_I hate-_'

A knock on her door tore her away from her reviere.

Shaking her head wildly, she promised to reward whoever was on the other side of that door for ripping her away from her less than pleasant memories.

She quickly undid the bolted lock on her door and swung said thing open.

Naruto stood in front of her and grinned.

She stepped aside to allow him in, but he waved it, mumbling he had to leave soon.

The grin stayed on his face.

"Sakura-chan! Guess what? Since you're off hospital duty, Tsunade-baa-chan has assigned you a mission!" **(1)**

Sakura raised an eyebrow. How long was she off then? She'd thought it had only been for the day.

"Naruto, I have work tomorrow. You said I only had today off. How can I accept the mission?"

He grinned wider. "I never said ONLY today. I just said "You're off today". You're off for the rest of the month.

Panicking, she quickly glanced at her calendar. TWO WEEKS? Two weeks of vacation?!

Or well, two weeks of a mission…

But she had work to do either way!

"Naruto I can't be off that long! ANBU Squad 4 is coming in next week, and I have to be there to check on them!"

He held a hand up, silencing her.

Dammit! She hated it when he, every once in a while, used his power as Rokudaime to win arguments.

"No Sakura. You're off for the rest of the month. Someone else will fill in for you during your absence." Suddenly, in a typical Naruto fashion, the grinned popped back onto his face and he chirped, "But no worries, Sakura-chan! You'll have loads of fun on your mission! I'm sure of that!"

The medic stared hard at him, boring angry eyes into his skull. She'd let him get away with not letting her work today, but TWO WEEKS?!

Under her breath she muttered an oath, and her eyes narrowed even farther into slits.

Her best friend, chatting along without notice of the dangerous aura surrounding his buddy, was also oblivious to the death glare she was currently gracing him with.

"-so you start tomorrow, Sakura-chan! I mean, I know you're probably so excited you can't wait another day, but rules are rules, Sakura-chan. And Baa-chan strictly said that you needed today off! And you know, since she DOES run the hospital, I guess even the Great and Powerful Rokudaime can't persuade her otherwise."

Sakura twitched. Obviously, her old sensei had been pulling the 'Old Woman, Ex-Hokage' trump card on her friend.

The Medic-Nin sighed. Why bother arguing? Naruto was speaking so fast she was having trouble even following what she wanted to argue against.

"-and yes I know you hate it when we kick out outta the hospital, but Baa-chan says you're a workaholic and you and I both know that being a holic can injure your training, you know like being an ALCOHOLIC? And so I wanted to help me Sakura-chyaaan-"

A hand slammed over his mouth, nearly knocking out a few of the man's pearly whites.

Sakura ran a frustrated hand through her hair.

"Dammit Naruto, what the fuck is the mission?"

Her friend and boss blinked rapidly for a few moments, before he gently shoved her hand away and, grinning cheekily, proudly replied:

"Oi Sakura-chan! You get to Baby-sit Gaara!"

* * *

_Owari._

Note to Self: Sleep is essential.

TO my readers:? If it seems rushed, it's simply because I needed to post this chapter so that I could finish up my plans for this fic, so sorry if it sucks big time.

Also, I tend to suffer from _Procrationes_ _problemes_. It's the cough cough scientific name for Procrastination Problems.

Hehe.

Shut up.

Note- NOT edited. Boo.


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